I am in the midst of packing for a 6 day vacation to Margate, NJ with my husband's family - it was always dicey in my mind thinking of what this vacation could look like given how my beta was to turn out today. I kept thinking about how miserable I would be on the trip if my beta was negative, and how anxious I would be if my beta was positive, and having to sneak away for a blood draw at a Labcorp on Thursday, and all around just keeping the news to ourselves. Well, it turns out that I get to enjoy an anxious week at the beach with additional del estrogen and progesterone shots, and a 7:30 blood draw on Thursday...my beta came back positive today, I still can't believe it. The number was 488, and I am 13dp5dt. We are very excited, but after enduring many many miscarriages, I need to keep a level head and take this one step at a time. If I can get through this vacation in one piece, that will bea step in the right direction :)
Hoping to have a good result from Thursday's beta, and then I'll go back to my RE's office on Monday for a 3rd. Continuing to cross all fingers, toes, and anything else crossable :)
Monday, July 2, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
DE: Not Always the Magic Bullet
How in the world did it go from the middle of April to the 3rd week in June? I swore that I would be blogging more frequently, sharing the details of our DE journey, and tracking our progress. Somehow, the time got away from me, and here it is, June 21, and I am 2dp5dt.
Things did move pretty quickly once we selected a donor. We originally thought we were going to end up waiting for more donors who were eligible for a 1:3 transfer to show up in the database before we made a decision, for some reason I wasn't falling head over heels for any of the ones that were listed. I had this vision that I would find someone who resembled me to a tee - dark complexion, dark eyes and hair, 5'7 or taller. R and I talked about what traits were truly important to us, and it turned out that it became less important that a donor be my long lost twin..because if we waited for her to show up in the database, we risked a very long wait. I also thought about how Smiley does not resemble me completely, she doesn't have my coloring, so why did it matter if the donor had my coloring? We ended up really liking one of the women who had some of the physical features we were looking for, but not all, and a very strong profile otherwise. We had found our donor.
Fast forward through cycle synchronization with the donor and the 2 other recipients - that entailed a month and a half of the BCP, which turned me into a raging bitch who gained weight and began suffering from migraines...reminded me of why I never did well on the pill when I was trying to PREVENT pregnancy, all of those years ago. Then the lupron began, another fun portion of the synchronization process, and then I began the Del Estrogen shots every 3 days, to start preparing my lining. Before I knew it, I was getting updates from my nurse about the donor's response to her ovarian stimulation, she seemed to be producing the numbers that would support 3 donors, which really was exciting. I knew there was always a possibility that upon retrieval, there wouldn't be enough eggs for all 3 of us. We were slotted for the 3rd position, so we had to prepare ourselves for the possibility of a cancelled cycle, but everything was always looking good for us, even upon retrieval. On 6/13, our donor went in for her retrieval. 18 eggs were retrieved, and we received 6. It turned out of those 6 eggs, 4 were mature, and all 4 of those fertilized. The next day, my nurse called to share that all 4 were fertilizing properly, so we were encouraged by the news. In the back of my mind, I still assumed we would have a day 3 transfer, because in our past IVF's with my eggs, we were lucky to even make it to day 3 before the embryos died out. On the 2nd day, my RE called and said the embryos were really doing well, and we would schedule a day 5 transfer. I was speechless.
I ended up having a 9:15am transfer on Tuesday. We had one blast that was doing well, and 3 other embryos who were compacting, but hadn't yet reached the blast stage. Our RE encouraged us to transfer the blast, and only the blast, in order to avoid having multiples. R and I discussed this before; my heart was really leaning toward transferring 2, because, really, what were the chances that we would conceive multiples?? After really thinking it through during the cycle, we felt that our course of action would have been different if Smiley wasn't in the picture, if we weren't already blessed with one child. We would have absolutely gone with transferring two - but with already having a very active and precocious 2 and a half year old, we didn't want to risk having multiples...a higher risk to an already high risk pregnancy. So we transferred the beautiful blast that we had, and hoped we'd have at least one to freeze.
For the first time since my first IVF cycle, (when I was naive to how poor our embryos really were), I truly embraced my 24 hour "bed rest." I watched bad TV, read my Kindle, napped, let R wait on me, and snuggled with Smiley in bed. I even took more rest time than needed, my transfer was at 9:15 am so technically, I could have resumed normal activity yesterday morning; I could have gone to work. I decided to F that and stay home another day; I took a long warm shower and moved from the bed to the sofa.
I went back to work today and tried to keep my mind busy. I knew that today I would find out if the 3 remaining embryos were still viable and ready to freeze. By 3:30 I was getting antsy, and even R was surprised we hadn't heard anything. I called my nurse and got her vm immediately, not even a ring. I called the main number and asked to speak with another nurse in the donor program, was transferred to someone and of course, got vm. She called me back on my way home from work, she said that my nurse was out of the office today but I was on her list for calling tomorrow. Unfortunately, this nurse didn't have good news for me....none of the 3 remaining embryos made it to freeze. I had to have her repeat what she said, because I didn't understand what she was saying. I thought with DE, embryos thrived, and bloomed like flowers. Everyone I know that has done DE has had embryos left over, why the hell don't we? What is it with us and embryos? I just don't get it. The nurse assured me that just because those embryos didn't make it, it doesn't mean the embryo we transferred isn't going to make it...it had made it to blast and it's now where it needs to be. But now, I feel like a dark cloud of doubt has shifted over the cycle a bit, where as this morning, I was so very positive that this was going to be our magic bullet. R reminded me that we made it farther than we ever had, we used to dream of day 5 transfers (I think in our very last cycle we actually did a day 2, our embryos were so bad) and we just had one. I had to keep remembering that, and also remember that we have 6 attempts at this if we need it.
Yes, I understand that by being in the Shared Risk program we have the opportunity to have 6 fresh cycles. That means selecting a donor 6 times, synchronizing cycles 6 times - getting on the roller coaster 6 times. I know that we'll never reach 6, I don't have it in me. I haven't decided how far I'm willing to take it, and hopefully it will be a moot point, because this cycle will have worked and our clinic would have made money off of us, with a first time success. I guess I have a hard time believing we are that lucky. Then I think about all we went through in TTC the first time, and how hopeless I felt, so much so that we had given up on my eggs and were moving toward DE...and then Smiley was conceived, and despite many losses before her, I carried her to term. I guess we are that lucky after all.
Beta day is Monday July 2. We are supposed to go to the beach with R's family the next day. I have to say I am nervous about the trip, no matter what news we get - we get a negative I will be a mess (although I'll be able to drink my sorrows away). We get a positive, and then I will worry about not spilling the beans, and also, somehow sneaking away to get a second beta done at a labcorp in Margate, NJ. With R's family, it's very difficult keeping things private. I have to keep telling myself that these are premature worries, and we need to take things as they come. Not so easy for me but thankfully work is busy next week, and the weekends always fly by.
I do want to talk to my RE about why he thinks we had no embryos to freeze. I am also curious to see if I can learn if the other recipients had any left to freeze. In the mean time, I can only take care of the one and only embryo that truly matters, the one who is hopefully making him/herself comfortable, and finding a nice home inside my uterus. Fingers and toes crossed.
Things did move pretty quickly once we selected a donor. We originally thought we were going to end up waiting for more donors who were eligible for a 1:3 transfer to show up in the database before we made a decision, for some reason I wasn't falling head over heels for any of the ones that were listed. I had this vision that I would find someone who resembled me to a tee - dark complexion, dark eyes and hair, 5'7 or taller. R and I talked about what traits were truly important to us, and it turned out that it became less important that a donor be my long lost twin..because if we waited for her to show up in the database, we risked a very long wait. I also thought about how Smiley does not resemble me completely, she doesn't have my coloring, so why did it matter if the donor had my coloring? We ended up really liking one of the women who had some of the physical features we were looking for, but not all, and a very strong profile otherwise. We had found our donor.
Fast forward through cycle synchronization with the donor and the 2 other recipients - that entailed a month and a half of the BCP, which turned me into a raging bitch who gained weight and began suffering from migraines...reminded me of why I never did well on the pill when I was trying to PREVENT pregnancy, all of those years ago. Then the lupron began, another fun portion of the synchronization process, and then I began the Del Estrogen shots every 3 days, to start preparing my lining. Before I knew it, I was getting updates from my nurse about the donor's response to her ovarian stimulation, she seemed to be producing the numbers that would support 3 donors, which really was exciting. I knew there was always a possibility that upon retrieval, there wouldn't be enough eggs for all 3 of us. We were slotted for the 3rd position, so we had to prepare ourselves for the possibility of a cancelled cycle, but everything was always looking good for us, even upon retrieval. On 6/13, our donor went in for her retrieval. 18 eggs were retrieved, and we received 6. It turned out of those 6 eggs, 4 were mature, and all 4 of those fertilized. The next day, my nurse called to share that all 4 were fertilizing properly, so we were encouraged by the news. In the back of my mind, I still assumed we would have a day 3 transfer, because in our past IVF's with my eggs, we were lucky to even make it to day 3 before the embryos died out. On the 2nd day, my RE called and said the embryos were really doing well, and we would schedule a day 5 transfer. I was speechless.
I ended up having a 9:15am transfer on Tuesday. We had one blast that was doing well, and 3 other embryos who were compacting, but hadn't yet reached the blast stage. Our RE encouraged us to transfer the blast, and only the blast, in order to avoid having multiples. R and I discussed this before; my heart was really leaning toward transferring 2, because, really, what were the chances that we would conceive multiples?? After really thinking it through during the cycle, we felt that our course of action would have been different if Smiley wasn't in the picture, if we weren't already blessed with one child. We would have absolutely gone with transferring two - but with already having a very active and precocious 2 and a half year old, we didn't want to risk having multiples...a higher risk to an already high risk pregnancy. So we transferred the beautiful blast that we had, and hoped we'd have at least one to freeze.
For the first time since my first IVF cycle, (when I was naive to how poor our embryos really were), I truly embraced my 24 hour "bed rest." I watched bad TV, read my Kindle, napped, let R wait on me, and snuggled with Smiley in bed. I even took more rest time than needed, my transfer was at 9:15 am so technically, I could have resumed normal activity yesterday morning; I could have gone to work. I decided to F that and stay home another day; I took a long warm shower and moved from the bed to the sofa.
I went back to work today and tried to keep my mind busy. I knew that today I would find out if the 3 remaining embryos were still viable and ready to freeze. By 3:30 I was getting antsy, and even R was surprised we hadn't heard anything. I called my nurse and got her vm immediately, not even a ring. I called the main number and asked to speak with another nurse in the donor program, was transferred to someone and of course, got vm. She called me back on my way home from work, she said that my nurse was out of the office today but I was on her list for calling tomorrow. Unfortunately, this nurse didn't have good news for me....none of the 3 remaining embryos made it to freeze. I had to have her repeat what she said, because I didn't understand what she was saying. I thought with DE, embryos thrived, and bloomed like flowers. Everyone I know that has done DE has had embryos left over, why the hell don't we? What is it with us and embryos? I just don't get it. The nurse assured me that just because those embryos didn't make it, it doesn't mean the embryo we transferred isn't going to make it...it had made it to blast and it's now where it needs to be. But now, I feel like a dark cloud of doubt has shifted over the cycle a bit, where as this morning, I was so very positive that this was going to be our magic bullet. R reminded me that we made it farther than we ever had, we used to dream of day 5 transfers (I think in our very last cycle we actually did a day 2, our embryos were so bad) and we just had one. I had to keep remembering that, and also remember that we have 6 attempts at this if we need it.
Yes, I understand that by being in the Shared Risk program we have the opportunity to have 6 fresh cycles. That means selecting a donor 6 times, synchronizing cycles 6 times - getting on the roller coaster 6 times. I know that we'll never reach 6, I don't have it in me. I haven't decided how far I'm willing to take it, and hopefully it will be a moot point, because this cycle will have worked and our clinic would have made money off of us, with a first time success. I guess I have a hard time believing we are that lucky. Then I think about all we went through in TTC the first time, and how hopeless I felt, so much so that we had given up on my eggs and were moving toward DE...and then Smiley was conceived, and despite many losses before her, I carried her to term. I guess we are that lucky after all.
Beta day is Monday July 2. We are supposed to go to the beach with R's family the next day. I have to say I am nervous about the trip, no matter what news we get - we get a negative I will be a mess (although I'll be able to drink my sorrows away). We get a positive, and then I will worry about not spilling the beans, and also, somehow sneaking away to get a second beta done at a labcorp in Margate, NJ. With R's family, it's very difficult keeping things private. I have to keep telling myself that these are premature worries, and we need to take things as they come. Not so easy for me but thankfully work is busy next week, and the weekends always fly by.
I do want to talk to my RE about why he thinks we had no embryos to freeze. I am also curious to see if I can learn if the other recipients had any left to freeze. In the mean time, I can only take care of the one and only embryo that truly matters, the one who is hopefully making him/herself comfortable, and finding a nice home inside my uterus. Fingers and toes crossed.
Monday, April 16, 2012
A New Frontier in a Familiar Setting
It's amazing how far I've come since my last IVF cycle, and subsequent loss mid-January. I continue to meet with my Chakra Balancer/Energy Healer/Life Coach (and he is all of that and more) every other week, and have been consistently feeling not only more grounded and balanced, but also more bouyant, light, and cheerful than I have in years. Things that would normally keep me stewing for days or weeks suddenly roll off my shoulders in a matter of hours, or worst case, a day. I know this sounds corny, but find myself appreciating things like the beautiful blooms on the trees in a way that I haven't in years. I've been getting outside to exercise much more, taking long walks in my neighborhood in the evenings; inhaling the crisp air and letting it wash through me - being present. I certainly don't want to give the impression that I have turned into a Pollyannaesque robot, I still feel every emotion, the negative as well as the positive, but the negative doesn't seem to linger as long, and the positive lingers much longer than it had been. The joy that I have been able to harness these last couple of months has allowed me to appreciate what I have so much more than I had been, and it feels wonderful to be able to do that.
About a month or so into my energy healing work, I began to feel that I was ready to begin working with R to take the next step forward in adding to our family. We met with my RE in February, and the conversation went just as we expected - this cycle was not pretty, and it was less pretty than the one we did the prior year - it's pretty aparent that doing another IVF cycle with my eggs is very unlikely to produce a different outcome. The early miscarriage indicates an egg quality issue, and the poor embryo quality really predicted that. She recommended moving to donor egg or adoption as our next step. R and I had been talking about our options if we decided to move to DE, we felt that it would be wise for us to leave GW and move back to Shady Grove Fertilty Center, the place where we first began our journey. We knew that they had a pretty big donor progam and had some shared risk and financing options. Although our outcome with IVF was not positive there, we really did love our RE, and agreed that we would be comfortable returning if need be. We talked about this with our RE at GW; she agreed that their donor program is much smaller and does not offer the same shared risk or shared donor options that we could find at SGFC. She was very supportive of a potential move for us, and that made us feel good.
I soon learned one of the reasons why my RE was so supportive of a potential move for us. I am not sure if I mentioned that she and I shared a connection - I worked very closely with her husband, who was the Chief Medical Officer of the health care system that I work for. I knew my RE before I knew him - as I was seeing her before I started my current job. But this connection made the bond I had with her even stronger, and I had a relationship with her that gave me much greater access to her than her other patients had. I found out two days after our WTF appointment that my RE's husband took an incredible job in St. Louis - which means my RE is moving too. This information made our decision much easier, we soon made an appointment with our old RE (Dr. C) back at SGFC.
I won't go into too much detail about our appointment, I thought it was going to be difficult to walk back into that office, but it really felt like a new beginning. Dr. C remembered us and was thrilled to learn that we had a beautiful, healthy 2 year old - conceived miraculously on our own, after so many failures. He looked at our records and agreed that we were perfect candidates for their donor program (really, what was he going to say? After 7 IVF's, I think you should go for another?), and gave us an overview of their program. Of course their stats and beautiful charts impressed us, just as their IVF stats did back in 2006 - so I had to check my emotions and remember that not every DE recipient is created equal, just like not every IVF patient is created equal. But we did come away from our appointment with a sense of hope that we hadn't felt in awhile. We even learned about the great shared risk and shared donor options that would help make the process more economical, although we did agree that we'd need to finance a large portion of it, which was a bit scary at first. The best news of all, was that we were able to bypass all of the preliminary testing that patients need to undergo before starting the process, as we had completed all of them prior to our most recent IVF cycle (including the dreaded HSG). We were able to proceed directly to the mock cycle, the step immediately prior to selecting a donor.
The next several weeks were filled with introductions to my donor team, and starting the mock cycle, which consisted of taking estrogen injections in order to build up my uterine lining. After 2 weeks of injections, I went in for bloodwork and ultrasound, where I learned that my lining responded really well to the injections, and I was given the all clear to move ahead. We couldn't have been more thrilled - in theory, this means that if the right embryo is placed into my uterus, it will implant. We all know that everything always looks great on paper, so who knows what will really happen, but it definitely was encouraging news.
Today we received the access code that DE patients receive in order to access the donor database. There are currently only a few donoros who are slated as 1:3 donors - one donor to 3 recipients, which we have decided to do. We took a look at the database and weren't blown away by anyone just yet - I guess I thought I would go onto the database and we'd fall in love with someone immediately and want to select right away, but clearly that is not how it's going to work, and that is o.k. We want to take our time and make sure we are comfortable with whomever we select. It's definitely an interesting process - the donors provide baby pictures, some also provide adult pictures, and they complete an extensive survey about their family, medical, social and educational histories. I think this will be just like everything else - we'll know when it's right, even if we have to wait a few weeks until the right donor is available.
I do plan on posting more often as we get further into the process, there are so many details that we have to get through once we pick a donor. With a 1:3 match a lot of coordinating has to take place, and depending on your "position" as a recipient, there is a chance your cycle could get cancelled if the donor doesn't produce enough quality eggs. One donor and 3 recipients means coordinating 4 womens' cycles, which I'm told is not as complicated (or as lengthy of a process) as it seems to me. One thing is for certain - we know we need to be patient, as this new frontier could lead us through some bumpy terrain, but hopefully will ultimately lead us to our new little bundle.
About a month or so into my energy healing work, I began to feel that I was ready to begin working with R to take the next step forward in adding to our family. We met with my RE in February, and the conversation went just as we expected - this cycle was not pretty, and it was less pretty than the one we did the prior year - it's pretty aparent that doing another IVF cycle with my eggs is very unlikely to produce a different outcome. The early miscarriage indicates an egg quality issue, and the poor embryo quality really predicted that. She recommended moving to donor egg or adoption as our next step. R and I had been talking about our options if we decided to move to DE, we felt that it would be wise for us to leave GW and move back to Shady Grove Fertilty Center, the place where we first began our journey. We knew that they had a pretty big donor progam and had some shared risk and financing options. Although our outcome with IVF was not positive there, we really did love our RE, and agreed that we would be comfortable returning if need be. We talked about this with our RE at GW; she agreed that their donor program is much smaller and does not offer the same shared risk or shared donor options that we could find at SGFC. She was very supportive of a potential move for us, and that made us feel good.
I soon learned one of the reasons why my RE was so supportive of a potential move for us. I am not sure if I mentioned that she and I shared a connection - I worked very closely with her husband, who was the Chief Medical Officer of the health care system that I work for. I knew my RE before I knew him - as I was seeing her before I started my current job. But this connection made the bond I had with her even stronger, and I had a relationship with her that gave me much greater access to her than her other patients had. I found out two days after our WTF appointment that my RE's husband took an incredible job in St. Louis - which means my RE is moving too. This information made our decision much easier, we soon made an appointment with our old RE (Dr. C) back at SGFC.
I won't go into too much detail about our appointment, I thought it was going to be difficult to walk back into that office, but it really felt like a new beginning. Dr. C remembered us and was thrilled to learn that we had a beautiful, healthy 2 year old - conceived miraculously on our own, after so many failures. He looked at our records and agreed that we were perfect candidates for their donor program (really, what was he going to say? After 7 IVF's, I think you should go for another?), and gave us an overview of their program. Of course their stats and beautiful charts impressed us, just as their IVF stats did back in 2006 - so I had to check my emotions and remember that not every DE recipient is created equal, just like not every IVF patient is created equal. But we did come away from our appointment with a sense of hope that we hadn't felt in awhile. We even learned about the great shared risk and shared donor options that would help make the process more economical, although we did agree that we'd need to finance a large portion of it, which was a bit scary at first. The best news of all, was that we were able to bypass all of the preliminary testing that patients need to undergo before starting the process, as we had completed all of them prior to our most recent IVF cycle (including the dreaded HSG). We were able to proceed directly to the mock cycle, the step immediately prior to selecting a donor.
The next several weeks were filled with introductions to my donor team, and starting the mock cycle, which consisted of taking estrogen injections in order to build up my uterine lining. After 2 weeks of injections, I went in for bloodwork and ultrasound, where I learned that my lining responded really well to the injections, and I was given the all clear to move ahead. We couldn't have been more thrilled - in theory, this means that if the right embryo is placed into my uterus, it will implant. We all know that everything always looks great on paper, so who knows what will really happen, but it definitely was encouraging news.
Today we received the access code that DE patients receive in order to access the donor database. There are currently only a few donoros who are slated as 1:3 donors - one donor to 3 recipients, which we have decided to do. We took a look at the database and weren't blown away by anyone just yet - I guess I thought I would go onto the database and we'd fall in love with someone immediately and want to select right away, but clearly that is not how it's going to work, and that is o.k. We want to take our time and make sure we are comfortable with whomever we select. It's definitely an interesting process - the donors provide baby pictures, some also provide adult pictures, and they complete an extensive survey about their family, medical, social and educational histories. I think this will be just like everything else - we'll know when it's right, even if we have to wait a few weeks until the right donor is available.
I do plan on posting more often as we get further into the process, there are so many details that we have to get through once we pick a donor. With a 1:3 match a lot of coordinating has to take place, and depending on your "position" as a recipient, there is a chance your cycle could get cancelled if the donor doesn't produce enough quality eggs. One donor and 3 recipients means coordinating 4 womens' cycles, which I'm told is not as complicated (or as lengthy of a process) as it seems to me. One thing is for certain - we know we need to be patient, as this new frontier could lead us through some bumpy terrain, but hopefully will ultimately lead us to our new little bundle.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Finding Me Again
On this night 23 years ago, I was a bright eyed, innocent 13 year old, who had just achieved a milestone that most Jewish young girls strive to attain - a Bat Mitzvah. On the evening of March 4, 1989, I was surrounded by a slew of family, my parents' friends, and at least 50 friends of my own, at the party that my parents planned for 2 years, and one that went down as one of the most memorable among my circle. My father always liked to do things big, he spared no expense to throw a party that would provide an original theme, the best food, the best band...a wedding 13 years in the making. I look back at that night, thinking of how vibrant my parents were, how my beautiful baby brother (2 and a half years old at the time) was running around in his adorable tuxedo until he was wisked away by a babysitter for the evening, and how I was filled with a sense of innocence, and pride for what I had accomplished. If I could only go back to that night and hold my family tight for just one moment, maybe it would help ease the ache in my heart for all that's been lost.
Aside from the nostalgia that I am feeling this evening, I have made some strides in the last month since I last posted. I didn't have a lot to say for awhile, and just did what I could to move past the most recent IVF/loss. Every day I went through the motions of getting out of bed, getting Smiley ready for school, going to work, picking her up, scraping some sort of dinner together, putting Smiley to bed, and collapsing on the couch. I had zero energy, I felt heavy, downtrodden, sad. R and I weren't connecting, I didn't want to talk to anyone about how I was feeling, including my therapist. I was overwhelmed by what our next steps in our journey would be, and I started thinking about ending our journey for a second child completely.
A couple of weeks after my beta, I got a call from a friend of mine who had lost her mom over the summer to an agressive form of leukemia, and has a daughter 2 weeks older than Smiley. This friend had been struggling since the passing of her mom, and had fallen into a pretty deep depression. She has also suffered a couple of miscarriages; the loss of our mothers is not the only thing we have in common, so I consider her a "safe" person that I can open up to. My friend shared with me that as she hit her lowest point in October, she was introduced to the practice of Chakra Balancing, and had begun seeing a Master Chakra Balancer, through the Washington Institue of Natural Medicine. The techniques this person uses are unconventional to Western physicians, and not always looked upon as valid. But my friend shared how she went from being extremely depressed, to feeling rejeuvenated and alive again - so much so that her husband began treatments as well, and the two of them are in a place they haven't been since they first got married. She encouraged me to go see this person (I'll call him "D") at least once, to see if this could be a process that would help me feel better, get my energy levels up, and put me in a place where I could be more clear headed in our "next step" decision making.
I had my first session with D in early February; my friend came with me to lend some moral support (which I very much appreciated). D is an unassuming, average sized man, who greeted me with a big smile. This first session lasted an hour and a half, we spent much of the session talking about my life, talking about how D became a Chakra Master (he basically left a crazy life on Wall Street in search of spiritual peace..of which he found, and has been helping others achieve for 17 years), and the rest of the session I was laying on a massage table, having my Chakras evaluated by D, through various energy healing techniques.
I wish I could provide a detailed explanation of what the Chakra system is, but I confess that I am still really learning about it all, as I go through the process. I can refer you to this wikipedia article for a crash course in Chakras http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chakra, but basically the Chakras are energy centers that act as "energy junctions" in the body. There are 7 major Chakras in the body that are patterns of energy that correspond to a unique aspect of our being. At the most basic level - if your Chakras are out of balance - you feel like crap. Pure and simple. A Chakra Balancer uses specific techniques to help "unblock" the energy flow to each Chakra, and help restore balance to the system. I have had 4 sessions total with D, and I can honestly say that I have felt a huge improvement comparied to how I was feeling before I started seeing him, so much so that I have taken a break from my therapsit, and have committed to 6 sessions, and will likely commit to more.
R has been very support of this process, which I am so relieved about. I wasn't sure how he was going to feel about it - it really does sound hokey when you try to explain it, for some, it is very "out there." It is really not much different than trying accupuncture; it's just working on a different aspect of your energy system. I am not going into this process thinking that it's going to help me get pregnant, rather I am doing something to help me feel better, to be a better parent, better wife, and be better to myself. So far, I am so happy with how this is going, and I believe that others can sense that something is different about me, but they don't know what it is. If they were able to look into my being, they would see that I'm beginning to feel like myself again - and really since my mom died 9 and a half years ago, I had forgotten what being me felt like. I'm looking forward to re-discovering myself as I go further into this process, and to feeling like I'm living life again instead of merely getting by. I think the me from 1989 would be proud :)
Aside from the nostalgia that I am feeling this evening, I have made some strides in the last month since I last posted. I didn't have a lot to say for awhile, and just did what I could to move past the most recent IVF/loss. Every day I went through the motions of getting out of bed, getting Smiley ready for school, going to work, picking her up, scraping some sort of dinner together, putting Smiley to bed, and collapsing on the couch. I had zero energy, I felt heavy, downtrodden, sad. R and I weren't connecting, I didn't want to talk to anyone about how I was feeling, including my therapist. I was overwhelmed by what our next steps in our journey would be, and I started thinking about ending our journey for a second child completely.
A couple of weeks after my beta, I got a call from a friend of mine who had lost her mom over the summer to an agressive form of leukemia, and has a daughter 2 weeks older than Smiley. This friend had been struggling since the passing of her mom, and had fallen into a pretty deep depression. She has also suffered a couple of miscarriages; the loss of our mothers is not the only thing we have in common, so I consider her a "safe" person that I can open up to. My friend shared with me that as she hit her lowest point in October, she was introduced to the practice of Chakra Balancing, and had begun seeing a Master Chakra Balancer, through the Washington Institue of Natural Medicine. The techniques this person uses are unconventional to Western physicians, and not always looked upon as valid. But my friend shared how she went from being extremely depressed, to feeling rejeuvenated and alive again - so much so that her husband began treatments as well, and the two of them are in a place they haven't been since they first got married. She encouraged me to go see this person (I'll call him "D") at least once, to see if this could be a process that would help me feel better, get my energy levels up, and put me in a place where I could be more clear headed in our "next step" decision making.
I had my first session with D in early February; my friend came with me to lend some moral support (which I very much appreciated). D is an unassuming, average sized man, who greeted me with a big smile. This first session lasted an hour and a half, we spent much of the session talking about my life, talking about how D became a Chakra Master (he basically left a crazy life on Wall Street in search of spiritual peace..of which he found, and has been helping others achieve for 17 years), and the rest of the session I was laying on a massage table, having my Chakras evaluated by D, through various energy healing techniques.
I wish I could provide a detailed explanation of what the Chakra system is, but I confess that I am still really learning about it all, as I go through the process. I can refer you to this wikipedia article for a crash course in Chakras http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chakra, but basically the Chakras are energy centers that act as "energy junctions" in the body. There are 7 major Chakras in the body that are patterns of energy that correspond to a unique aspect of our being. At the most basic level - if your Chakras are out of balance - you feel like crap. Pure and simple. A Chakra Balancer uses specific techniques to help "unblock" the energy flow to each Chakra, and help restore balance to the system. I have had 4 sessions total with D, and I can honestly say that I have felt a huge improvement comparied to how I was feeling before I started seeing him, so much so that I have taken a break from my therapsit, and have committed to 6 sessions, and will likely commit to more.
R has been very support of this process, which I am so relieved about. I wasn't sure how he was going to feel about it - it really does sound hokey when you try to explain it, for some, it is very "out there." It is really not much different than trying accupuncture; it's just working on a different aspect of your energy system. I am not going into this process thinking that it's going to help me get pregnant, rather I am doing something to help me feel better, to be a better parent, better wife, and be better to myself. So far, I am so happy with how this is going, and I believe that others can sense that something is different about me, but they don't know what it is. If they were able to look into my being, they would see that I'm beginning to feel like myself again - and really since my mom died 9 and a half years ago, I had forgotten what being me felt like. I'm looking forward to re-discovering myself as I go further into this process, and to feeling like I'm living life again instead of merely getting by. I think the me from 1989 would be proud :)
Monday, January 23, 2012
Negative
My beta today came back negative. I knew it would, given what I've been physically experiencing - but there was still that part of me that hoped for a miracle, given that I was sure that I was having a miscarriage when I learned I was pregnant with Smiley.
I left work early today and plan to keep it light tomorrow. Given this is a very early loss, the cramping is moderate but not severe (I've had worse during other losses that were farther along) but I think I have earned the chance to relax a little and regroup, and will then move on to figure out next steps. I drove to a 7-Eleven on my way home and picked up a big gulp of diet coke, and we have our take out sushi menu ready to go for tonight's dinner.
I am grateful that this was not dragged out like it has been in the past - one, two, or 3 weeks of pregnancy and then an ultrasound that reveals no heart beat - or spontaneous bleeding that sends me to the ER in a panic. It was barely 24 hours of being semi-hopeful, but wary of a low beta. Still an extremely sad and disappointing turn of events, but given my track record, not a surprise. It still hurts, and I never get used to the disappointment.
On that note, I am going to give my sweet daughter a huge squeeze, and will likely not let her go until I put her to bed tonight. I have much more than so many in this community have, and I don't take that lightly. Hopefully once this pain subsides, we will be ready to decide on a next step, but for now, it's time to heal.
I left work early today and plan to keep it light tomorrow. Given this is a very early loss, the cramping is moderate but not severe (I've had worse during other losses that were farther along) but I think I have earned the chance to relax a little and regroup, and will then move on to figure out next steps. I drove to a 7-Eleven on my way home and picked up a big gulp of diet coke, and we have our take out sushi menu ready to go for tonight's dinner.
I am grateful that this was not dragged out like it has been in the past - one, two, or 3 weeks of pregnancy and then an ultrasound that reveals no heart beat - or spontaneous bleeding that sends me to the ER in a panic. It was barely 24 hours of being semi-hopeful, but wary of a low beta. Still an extremely sad and disappointing turn of events, but given my track record, not a surprise. It still hurts, and I never get used to the disappointment.
On that note, I am going to give my sweet daughter a huge squeeze, and will likely not let her go until I put her to bed tonight. I have much more than so many in this community have, and I don't take that lightly. Hopefully once this pain subsides, we will be ready to decide on a next step, but for now, it's time to heal.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
From hope to disappointment in less than 24 hours
Friday was definitely a nail biter of a day for me. I was up at 5:30am to head into DC for my beta, had it drawn by 7:00am and was at work by 8:00am. That made for a very long wait. I didn't have much going on at work until 1pm - I had one meeting at 10:00am and I realized during that meeting that I was shivering from nerves so badly that my teeth were chattering. I hoped that no one noticed and did my best to take deep breaths and try to control my nerves, but it was a very difficult task, and I pretty much shivered in the conference room for 45 minutes.
By 12:30 I was starting to get really anxious, at 1pm I had to drive to a lunch appointment with my boss, and I really did not want to have to answer that phone call while he was in the car. I called my RE's office and they didn't have the results yet, they would call between 1pm and 2pm. Lucky me.
At 1:15 I got the call, as expected, with my boss in the car. I tried to maintain a very neutral tone to my voice, when the nurse (unfortunately not my usual nurse, she was off on Friday) said, "congratulations, your test came back positive." In a pleased yet controlled voice I said that was wonderful, and to share the details. She said my beta was 25, not as high as they'd like, so they want me to come in on Monday for beta #2. I asked if she's seen people with betas that low have successful situations, she said, "sometimes." So now I had to go into a lunch meeting with 3 physicians, and pretend that I wasn't out of my mind nervous. Did I have a late implantor?
Unfortunately, yesterday afternoon I started spotting, and throughout the day, the spotting turned into a regular flow. I called my nurse and asked if it was possible to come in this morning for a blood draw, but she said that there were no procedures scheduled for today, so they weren't going to be in the office. I'll have to wait until Monday. I am pretty sure this is the end of the road for this cycle, even though I had a lot of bleeding with Smiley during my first trimester, the subchorionic hemorage showed itself after the embryo already had a sac and fetal pole - my beta was in the 10,000's by then. I bet that tomorrow, my beta will be down to zero.
My mother in law was here this weekend and I did not make for good company. I spent most of the weekend in my room - I tried to make it out with R, Smiley and my MIL for dinner, but I ended up feeling really lousy, and had my dad take me home.
I guess we now really need to decide what our next step will be. If I was 100% sure that this was all an egg quality issue, I would want to start the DE process tomorrow. But there is still a nagging voice in my head that is telling me that it could be something that they still haven't idendified that causes me to miscarry, and DE is not the silver bullet answer, in that instance. Maybe adoption is the best answer for us? I just don't know. All I do know is as soon as I know that my beta is dropping, I will be opening a bottle of wine.
By 12:30 I was starting to get really anxious, at 1pm I had to drive to a lunch appointment with my boss, and I really did not want to have to answer that phone call while he was in the car. I called my RE's office and they didn't have the results yet, they would call between 1pm and 2pm. Lucky me.
At 1:15 I got the call, as expected, with my boss in the car. I tried to maintain a very neutral tone to my voice, when the nurse (unfortunately not my usual nurse, she was off on Friday) said, "congratulations, your test came back positive." In a pleased yet controlled voice I said that was wonderful, and to share the details. She said my beta was 25, not as high as they'd like, so they want me to come in on Monday for beta #2. I asked if she's seen people with betas that low have successful situations, she said, "sometimes." So now I had to go into a lunch meeting with 3 physicians, and pretend that I wasn't out of my mind nervous. Did I have a late implantor?
Unfortunately, yesterday afternoon I started spotting, and throughout the day, the spotting turned into a regular flow. I called my nurse and asked if it was possible to come in this morning for a blood draw, but she said that there were no procedures scheduled for today, so they weren't going to be in the office. I'll have to wait until Monday. I am pretty sure this is the end of the road for this cycle, even though I had a lot of bleeding with Smiley during my first trimester, the subchorionic hemorage showed itself after the embryo already had a sac and fetal pole - my beta was in the 10,000's by then. I bet that tomorrow, my beta will be down to zero.
My mother in law was here this weekend and I did not make for good company. I spent most of the weekend in my room - I tried to make it out with R, Smiley and my MIL for dinner, but I ended up feeling really lousy, and had my dad take me home.
I guess we now really need to decide what our next step will be. If I was 100% sure that this was all an egg quality issue, I would want to start the DE process tomorrow. But there is still a nagging voice in my head that is telling me that it could be something that they still haven't idendified that causes me to miscarry, and DE is not the silver bullet answer, in that instance. Maybe adoption is the best answer for us? I just don't know. All I do know is as soon as I know that my beta is dropping, I will be opening a bottle of wine.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The Eleventh Hour
I have my beta tomorrow, and it can't come soon enough. I have been a bit of a mess these last two weeks, I'm not really sure why. You'd think that after having gone through 6 previous IVF cycles, I'd be used to this wait by now, and should be able to breeze through it. Somehow, I breezed through the cycle itself, but once the transfer had come and gone, my anxiety about the outcome of the cycle went into overdrive.
My overall feelings about the cycle are pretty negative. I think about the quality of my embryos and know that they were not great. I did not ask my RE what he thought the chance of success was, but my nurse assured me that she sees people come in with embroys much worse than mine, who end up having success. It's hard to be hopeful when your embryos aren't stellar.
I am comforted by the fact that I will know either way very soon, and I can move on. I am not really sure what moving on will mean - but I'm pretty sure this is it for my eggs. Do we move on to DE? Do we explore adoption? Do we do nothing? I think about my super small family, and I feel so sad for Smiley. My brother is a poor excuse for an uncle and if he stays out of jail or alive long enough to really make an impact on her life, it will be a surprise. My father's heatlh isn't great, so who knows how much longer he has, realistically. That leave's my MIL. No cousins for Smiley, no other aunts and uncles. I am very thankful for the extended family that we have, who do make an effort with us and include us in their lives, and of course, our wonderful friends who have truly become our family. But I can't help but think that Smiley deserves to have a sibling to journey through life with. I think I would feel differently if I knew she wouldn't some day be alone.
I have to get these negative thoughts out of my head - it hasn't helped that things with my dad and brother have been difficult lately, that extra added stress has been unnecessary. Something else that I should just be used to by now, given that we've dealt with this for the past 9 and a half years since my mother died.
For now I will just keep myself as busy as possible until tomorrow morning.
My overall feelings about the cycle are pretty negative. I think about the quality of my embryos and know that they were not great. I did not ask my RE what he thought the chance of success was, but my nurse assured me that she sees people come in with embroys much worse than mine, who end up having success. It's hard to be hopeful when your embryos aren't stellar.
I am comforted by the fact that I will know either way very soon, and I can move on. I am not really sure what moving on will mean - but I'm pretty sure this is it for my eggs. Do we move on to DE? Do we explore adoption? Do we do nothing? I think about my super small family, and I feel so sad for Smiley. My brother is a poor excuse for an uncle and if he stays out of jail or alive long enough to really make an impact on her life, it will be a surprise. My father's heatlh isn't great, so who knows how much longer he has, realistically. That leave's my MIL. No cousins for Smiley, no other aunts and uncles. I am very thankful for the extended family that we have, who do make an effort with us and include us in their lives, and of course, our wonderful friends who have truly become our family. But I can't help but think that Smiley deserves to have a sibling to journey through life with. I think I would feel differently if I knew she wouldn't some day be alone.
I have to get these negative thoughts out of my head - it hasn't helped that things with my dad and brother have been difficult lately, that extra added stress has been unnecessary. Something else that I should just be used to by now, given that we've dealt with this for the past 9 and a half years since my mother died.
For now I will just keep myself as busy as possible until tomorrow morning.
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