Monday, January 23, 2012


My beta today came back negative.  I knew it would, given what I've been physically experiencing - but there was still that part of me that hoped for a miracle, given that I was sure that I was having a miscarriage when I learned I was pregnant with Smiley. 

I left work early today and plan to keep it light tomorrow.  Given this is a very early loss, the cramping is moderate but not severe (I've had worse during other losses that were farther along) but I think I have earned the chance to relax a little and regroup, and will then move on to figure out next steps.  I drove to a 7-Eleven on my way home and picked up a big gulp of diet coke, and we have our take out sushi menu ready to go for tonight's dinner. 

I am grateful that this was not dragged out like it has been in the past - one, two, or 3 weeks of pregnancy and then an ultrasound that reveals no heart beat - or spontaneous bleeding that sends me to the ER in a panic.  It was barely 24 hours of being semi-hopeful, but wary of a low beta.  Still an extremely sad and disappointing turn of events, but given my track record, not a surprise.  It still hurts, and I never get used to the disappointment.

On that note, I am going to give my sweet daughter a huge squeeze, and will likely not let her go until I put her to bed tonight.  I have much more than so many in this community have, and I don't take that lightly.  Hopefully once this pain subsides, we will be ready to decide on a next step, but for now, it's time to heal.


  1. I wish I had words to help you feel better. <3

  2. I am so sorry. Was waiting to hear how it went. Hugs.I agree with giving yourself time to heal.

  3. I am so very sorry. I had the same thing happen to me back in Oct. My first beta was 28, the Dr pretty much told me it was hopeless, but would check 48 hrs later. By then it was 6 :-( Please give yourself time to heal.