From hope to disappointment in less than 24 hours

Friday was definitely a nail biter of a day for me.  I was up at 5:30am to head into DC for my beta, had it drawn by 7:00am and was at work by 8:00am.  That made for a very long wait.  I didn't have much going on at work until 1pm - I had one meeting at 10:00am and I realized during that meeting that I was shivering from nerves so badly that my teeth were chattering.  I hoped that no one noticed and did my best to take deep breaths and try to control my nerves, but it was a very difficult task, and I pretty much shivered in the conference room for 45 minutes. 

By 12:30 I was starting to get really anxious, at 1pm I had to drive to a lunch appointment with my boss, and I really did not want to have to answer that phone call while he was in the car.  I called my RE's office and they didn't have the results yet, they would call between 1pm and 2pm.  Lucky me.

At 1:15 I got the call, as expected, with my boss in the car. I tried to maintain a very neutral tone to my voice, when the nurse (unfortunately not my usual nurse, she was off on Friday) said, "congratulations, your test came back positive."  In a pleased yet controlled voice I said that was wonderful, and to share the details.  She said my beta was 25, not as high as they'd like, so they want me to come in on Monday for beta #2.  I asked if she's seen people with betas that low have successful situations, she said, "sometimes."  So now I had to go into a lunch meeting with 3 physicians, and pretend that I wasn't out of my mind nervous.  Did I have a late implantor?

Unfortunately, yesterday afternoon I started spotting, and throughout the day, the spotting turned into a regular flow.  I called my nurse and asked if it was possible to come in this morning for a blood draw, but she said that there were no procedures scheduled for today, so they weren't going to be in the office.  I'll have to wait until Monday.  I am pretty sure this is the end of the road for this cycle, even though I had a lot of bleeding with Smiley during my first trimester, the subchorionic hemorage showed itself after the embryo already had a sac and fetal pole - my beta was in the 10,000's by then.  I bet that tomorrow, my beta will be down to zero.

My mother in law was here this weekend and I did not make for good company.  I spent most of the weekend in my room - I tried to make it out with R, Smiley and my MIL for dinner, but I ended up feeling really lousy, and had my dad take me home. 

I guess we now really need to decide what our next step will be.  If I was 100% sure that this was all an egg quality issue, I would want to start the DE process tomorrow.  But there is still a nagging voice in my head that is telling me that it could be something that they still haven't idendified that causes me to miscarry, and DE is not the silver bullet answer, in that instance.  Maybe adoption is the best answer for us?  I just don't know.  All I do know is as soon as I know that my beta is dropping, I will be opening a bottle of wine.