Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Eleventh Hour

I have my beta tomorrow, and it can't come soon enough.  I have been a bit of a mess these last two weeks, I'm not really sure why.  You'd think that after having gone through 6 previous IVF cycles, I'd be used to this wait by now, and should be able to breeze through it.  Somehow, I breezed through the cycle itself, but once the transfer had come and gone, my anxiety about the outcome of the cycle went into overdrive. 

My overall feelings about the cycle are pretty negative.  I think about the quality of my embryos and know that they were not great.  I did not ask my RE what he thought the chance of success was, but my nurse assured me that she sees people come in with embroys much worse than mine, who end up having success.  It's hard to be hopeful when your embryos aren't stellar.

I am comforted by the fact that I will know either way very soon, and I can move on.  I am not really sure what moving on will mean - but I'm pretty sure this is it for my eggs.  Do we move on to DE?  Do we explore adoption? Do we do nothing?  I think about my super small family, and I feel so sad for Smiley.  My brother is a poor excuse for an uncle and if he stays out of jail or alive long enough to really make an impact on her life, it will be a surprise.  My father's heatlh isn't great, so who knows how much longer he has, realistically.  That leave's my MIL.  No cousins for Smiley, no other aunts and uncles.  I am very thankful for the extended family that we have, who do make an effort with us and include us in their lives, and of course, our wonderful friends who have truly become our family.  But I can't help but think that Smiley deserves to have a sibling to journey through life with.  I think I would feel differently if I knew she wouldn't some day be alone.

I have to get these negative thoughts out of my head - it hasn't helped that things with my dad and brother have been difficult lately, that extra added stress has been unnecessary.  Something else that I should just be used to by now, given that we've dealt with this for the past 9 and a half years since my mother died.

For now I will just keep myself as busy as possible until tomorrow morning.


  1. Good luck! I know what you mean about having a rough time this cycle - I had my own little breakdown on IUI day this time. Hoping this is "the one" for both of us!

  2. So, are you going to tell us how it turned out? I do hope that whatever you decide your next step is, that it is successful. I guess I am a results-oriented person. I think if you want a second child, you should get a second child, no matter what the process is. And it sounds like you're right that Smiley will appreciate that when she's older. I hope the process doesn't take too much longer for you!