Milestones

I have made it through 3 betas relatively unscathed.  It's hard to believe that it's been a week since my first beta, I never thought I would make it to that date, and now I have survived a 5 day vacation with R's mom, aunt and uncle, and a sneaky trip to Labcorp to have my second beta drawn in the middle of it all.  R's mom knows what's going on, but his aunt and uncle do not, and we were at their beach house.  I fabricated a story that I needed to have some routine bloodwork drawn for a physical that I have this week, so I scheduled a 7:30am appointment at the labcorp 3 miles from their house, near Atlantic City.  Aside from needing to wait 24 hours for the results (even though they were written as "stat"), when I learned the result of 1669, I was able to take a breath and enjoy the rest of our trip.  We had some great time on the beach, saw friends, had some wonderful meals, and were able to get some relaxation in there, despite the oppressive heat that everyone was dealing with along the east coast. I have to admit that I was looking forward to getting home and back to my routine, and to my 3rd beta which was drawn today.  The result was good, it was around 4600, which the nurse said was right where it needed to be.  For some reason I was thinking it would be higher, but she said that it's rising appropriately, and they want me to come in for an ultrasound next Tuesday, 7/17.

I am doing my best to not let my anxiety take over my being.  I am extremely grateful to have made it this far, and the fact that I am even pregnant at this moment in time, gives me hope that if it doesn't work this time around, it CAN work.  But of course, the fear creeps in from time to time, as different twinges and twitches come up.  I know we have a very long way to go, and we have had way too many losses to start celebrating this early in the game.  I keep repeating "one day at a time" when I start to feel the panic set in, but I often feel that I need to be prepared for the worst. 

In the mean time, I have a busy week of work, and coming up at the end of the week, is a very big anniversary. July 13th would have been my mom's 65th birthday, the 14th will be the 10 year anniversary of her passing.  I just can't believe that so much time has gone by, so much has happened these last 10 years.  I still wish I could pick up the phone and tell my mom about my day, gush about her beautiful grand daughter, cry over the losses I've experienced before and after Smiley.  I just miss her.  Plain and simple. We have some things planned for the weekend to honor my mother's memory; for the first time in years, I am not dreading these 2 days that are normally looming over me like an annual gray cloud.  I am actually looking forward to celebrating my mom, rather than mourning her.  I'm going to take Smiley to the cemetary on Friday, I'll have her draw a couple of pictures and we'll slip them under her stone.  We'll talk to her, sing some songs, and leave some rocks, in the traditional Jewish fashion. Friday night I plan to make my mom's lasagna recipe in her honor, and on Sunday, we'll go back to the cemetary, along with R, my dad and brother, and then we'll go out for brunch and celebrate her some more.  I know she'll be happy with our plans for remembering her on such an important anniversary. After all, she's always on our minds, 365 days a year, but this weekend, I know her presence will truly be felt.