Finding Me Again

On this night 23 years ago, I was a bright eyed, innocent 13 year old, who had just achieved a milestone that most Jewish young girls strive to attain - a Bat Mitzvah.  On the evening of March 4, 1989, I was surrounded by a slew of family, my parents' friends, and at least 50 friends of my own, at the party that my parents planned for 2 years, and one that went down as one of the most memorable among my circle.  My father always liked to do things big, he spared no expense to throw a party that would provide an original theme, the best food, the best band...a wedding 13 years in the making.  I look back at that night, thinking of how vibrant my parents were, how my beautiful baby brother (2 and a half years old at the time) was running around in his adorable tuxedo until he was wisked away by a babysitter for the evening, and how I was filled with a sense of innocence, and pride for what I had accomplished.  If I could only go back to that night and hold my family tight for just one moment, maybe it would help ease the ache in my heart for all that's been lost.

Aside from the nostalgia that I am feeling this evening, I have made some strides in the last month since I last posted.  I didn't have a lot to say for awhile, and just did what I could to move past the most recent IVF/loss.  Every day I went through the motions of getting out of bed, getting Smiley ready for school, going to work, picking her up, scraping some sort of dinner together, putting Smiley to bed, and collapsing on the couch.  I had zero energy, I felt heavy, downtrodden, sad.  R and I weren't connecting, I didn't want to talk to anyone about how I was feeling, including my therapist.  I was overwhelmed by what our next steps in our journey would be, and I started thinking about ending our journey for a second child completely. 

A couple of weeks after my beta, I got a call from a friend of mine who had lost her mom over the summer to an agressive form of leukemia, and has a daughter 2 weeks older than Smiley.  This friend had been struggling since the passing of her mom, and had fallen into a pretty deep depression.  She has also suffered a couple of miscarriages; the loss of our mothers is not the only thing we have in common, so I consider her a "safe" person that I can open up to.  My friend shared with me that as she hit her lowest point in October, she was introduced to the practice of Chakra Balancing, and had begun seeing a Master Chakra Balancer, through the Washington Institue of Natural Medicine.  The techniques this person uses are unconventional to Western physicians, and not always looked upon as valid.  But my friend shared how she went from being extremely depressed, to feeling rejeuvenated and alive again - so much so that her husband began treatments as well, and the two of them are in a place they haven't been since they first got married.  She encouraged me to go see this person (I'll call him "D") at least once, to see if this could be a process that would help me feel better, get my energy levels up, and put me in a place where I could be more clear headed in our "next step" decision making. 

I had my first session with D in early February; my friend came with me to lend some moral support (which I very much appreciated).  D is an unassuming, average sized man, who greeted me with a big smile.  This first session lasted an hour and a half, we spent much of the session talking about my life, talking about how D became a Chakra Master (he basically left a crazy life on Wall Street in search of spiritual peace..of which he found, and has been helping others achieve for 17 years), and the rest of the session I was laying on a massage table, having my Chakras evaluated by D, through various energy healing techniques.

I wish I could provide a detailed explanation of what the Chakra system is, but I confess that I am still really learning about it all, as I go through the process. I can refer you to this wikipedia article for a crash course in Chakras http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chakra, but basically the Chakras are energy centers that act as "energy junctions" in the body.  There are 7 major Chakras in the body that are patterns of energy that correspond to a unique aspect of our being.   At the most basic level - if your Chakras are out of balance - you feel like crap.  Pure and simple.  A Chakra Balancer uses specific techniques to help "unblock" the energy flow to each Chakra, and help restore balance to the system.  I have had 4 sessions total with D, and I can honestly say that I have felt a huge improvement comparied to how I was feeling before I started seeing him, so much so that I have taken a break from my therapsit, and have committed to 6 sessions, and will likely commit to more. 

R has been very support of this process, which I am so relieved about.  I wasn't sure how he was going to feel about it - it really does sound hokey when you try to explain it, for some, it is very "out there."  It is really not much different than trying accupuncture; it's just working on a different aspect of your energy system.  I am not going into this process thinking that it's going to help me get pregnant, rather I am doing something to help me feel better, to be a better parent, better wife, and be better to myself. So far, I am so happy with how this is going, and I believe that others can sense that something is different about me, but they don't know what it is. If they were able to look into my being, they would see that I'm beginning to feel like myself again - and really since my mom died 9 and a half years ago, I had forgotten what being me felt like.  I'm looking forward to re-discovering myself as I go further into this process, and to feeling like I'm living life again instead of merely getting by.  I think the me from 1989 would be proud :)