Negative

My beta today came back negative.  I knew it would, given what I've been physically experiencing - but there was still that part of me that hoped for a miracle, given that I was sure that I was having a miscarriage when I learned I was pregnant with Smiley. 

I left work early today and plan to keep it light tomorrow.  Given this is a very early loss, the cramping is moderate but not severe (I've had worse during other losses that were farther along) but I think I have earned the chance to relax a little and regroup, and will then move on to figure out next steps.  I drove to a 7-Eleven on my way home and picked up a big gulp of diet coke, and we have our take out sushi menu ready to go for tonight's dinner. 

I am grateful that this was not dragged out like it has been in the past - one, two, or 3 weeks of pregnancy and then an ultrasound that reveals no heart beat - or spontaneous bleeding that sends me to the ER in a panic.  It was barely 24 hours of being semi-hopeful, but wary of a low beta.  Still an extremely sad and disappointing turn of events, but given my track record, not a surprise.  It still hurts, and I never get used to the disappointment.

On that note, I am going to give my sweet daughter a huge squeeze, and will likely not let her go until I put her to bed tonight.  I have much more than so many in this community have, and I don't take that lightly.  Hopefully once this pain subsides, we will be ready to decide on a next step, but for now, it's time to heal.