Too much Limbo in my Life

Today R and I met with my RE for the first time since our most recent IVF (#6), which we did in February.  This was our first IVF since our daughter was born; a couple of months prior, I was rushed into emergency surgery with a ruptured ectopic.  That was one of the scariest experiences of my life, probably even scarier than when I had acute appendicitis...my RE made it seem like every moment I spent outside of the operating room was one more moment that gallons of blood were filling my abdomen. Although I was terribly saddened to lose a fallopian tube, I certainly was happy that I didn't lose my life.

When our IVF was not successful R and I decided that we were going to take some time off and focus on some other goals that we wanted to acheive this year.  We had been wanting to put our townhouse on the market for some time, and move to a single family home. We felt that this was something that would give us a distraction that we needed, and we would visit my RE to develop a plan once we were settled into a new home.  We had left our failed IVF with no follow up plan, which was somewhat tough for me to swallow.  We had exhausted the fertility coverage that our insurance plan offered, and knowing that we wanted to move, we felt it was more important to put any available cash toward a new home, as opposed to another IVF that may or may not work.  I found myself in a totally different situation than we were in before we had Smiley: something else took precedence over our fertility issues.  Before Smiley was born there was nothing that was going to get in the way of fertility treatments. I couldn't think about moving into a bigger house - I didn't want to have to look at the empty rooms, longing for a way to fill them.  But now, I realized that we have to think of Smiley and what's best for her, as we navigate through our journey to bringing her a sibling.  So May 19th, our house went on the market.

Our housing situation has kept us on a roller coaster with as many twists and turns as the IF ride.  We had two contracts that have fallen through since May, the first one had stuck long enough for us to put a contract on my dream home, which we had to give up once the jerk backed out of our contract.  That house sold 5 days after we withdrew.  I decided that I needed to see my RE and at least start mapping out a plan, so that once we're ready, we can execute.

There are so many unknowns with us, that there is no way to know what the best course of action will be.  I only have one tube, but we're not sure if it's even functioning properly, so next cycle I will have an HSG done. It's been 5 years since I had my first one, so why the heck not? I had several vials of blood drawn today, to take a look at some levels, but will need to go in on day 3 for an FSH estrodial reading.  My FSH levels have never been high, yet my poor quality embryos and early miscarriages could lead one to believe that my eggs are not so great.  We've thought about doing a few IUI's, as they would be covered by my insurance, but with only one tube, every IUI would be a crap shoot as to which ovary would ovulate.  Basically, we left our appointment with no more plan of action than we walked in with; we'll find out the results of my tests and re-assess.   Hopefully we'll be able to come up with a plan that I can feel comfortable with, and will no longer feel like a leaf blowing in the wind.

In the mean time, here's to hoping our housing roller coaster comes to a halt very soon.

I'm really doing it

I'm so thrilled to finally be a part of this amazing community.  I have thought about blogging for a long time, and have even been lurking for awhile, silently cheering many of you on, as you've shared your stories.  I am not sure what kept me from actually sharing my own story, but I am thrilled to be officially "out" in the IF community, and to able to rally around all of you.  I know that I will definitely benefit from the love and support that I've seen flowing from comments and posts.

I invite you to visit my TTC Timeline and My Journey pages, to learn about my story.  I am not quite sure where I fit in, in this community.  You will learn that I am one of the truly lucky individuals who has "crossed over" and successfully carried and given birth to a baby after years of struggling with IF, failed ART procedures and repeat pregnancy losses.  I used to pray to whatever higher power is out there, that if I could have just one baby, I would never ask for anything else.  Here we are, almost 2 years after my daughter Smiley (because you never see her without a smile) was born, and the desire to have another baby is just as strong as my desire was, for a first. The only difference, is that I'm fortunate enough to be able to wake up every single morning and swoop up my beautiful, special, miracle baby.  That fact, in itself, separates me from so many of you strong, incredible women, who continue to struggle every day in pursuit of a baby, and I can't help but have some guilt for wishing for more than one. 

You will learn a lot about my family through my posts. My husband, R, daughter, Smiley (of course I've already introduced her), and our miniature schnauzer, Rocky (his real name :) are everything to me.  You will learn about how losing my mother 9 years ago unraveled the lives of my father and brother, and how R and I almost cancelled our wedding, which was 4 months after her death.  There were many things that R and I were dealing with way before we knew we would spend years fighting so hard for a baby, and some of those issues have not gone away.  I am so happy that I now have an outlet where I can share and get feedback, support, and empathy.

Please feel free to share my blog with anyone and everyone you are connected with, I can't wait to "meet" you all!